October 27th, 2008

Somewhere in Nicaragua

We know this is long, but we couldn’t resist.  Since Pancho Sanchez is running for President this year we need to spread the word.Dear Red States..We’ve decided we’re leaving.   We intend to form our own country, and  we’re taking the other Blue States with us.In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan,  Illinois  and all the Northeast.   We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to  the people of the new country of New California.To sum up briefly:You get  Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.   We get stem cell research and the best beaches.You get Ken Lay. We get the Statue of Liberty.You get Dollywood.  We get Hollywood and Yosemite ,  thank you.  We get Intel, Apple and Microsoft.  You get WorldCom.  We get Harvard.  You get Ole’ Miss.  We get 85 percent of  America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs.  You get Alabama .  We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.  Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian  Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families.  You get a bunch of single moms.Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and  anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once.   If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.   They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home.  We do wish you success in Iraq , and hope that the WMDs  turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with  88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of  the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush  Limbaugh, Bob  Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah  was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was  involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .Peace out,  Blue States